I have always imagined what it will be like on my wedding day: how I will feel, how Mum and Dad will cry bitter-sweet tears with me, how I will take a new name. Thanks to Pinterest, I have most of the details planned as well - my dress, the bridesmaids, the decorations, the photo shoot.
Then there is my life after the wedding... enjoying sweet time with my husband as newly weds; making the precious discovery that we are expecting a baby (twins... maybe...??); meeting our little one for the fist time; building a house for our family; raising the children - many of them! - at home and instilling the Word of God into them; watching them grow up and follow their vocation in life...
The list goes on.
I have other lists as well. Lists of baby names, lists (and maps) and what I would want in a dream home, lists of countries Australia can adopt from; lists of qualities I would want in a man...
Because you see, none of those dreams are possible without one important person. I have spent literally hours of life, starting from when I was very young, daydreaming about spending the rest of my life with a special man, but I don't even know if I've met him yet.
I've done what I'm sure every young girl has done at some point. We call it 'watching'. We are good at 'watching... especially in church. We are indeed watching - like a hawk. Does he bow his head to pray, or is he distracted by the noises around him? Does he like children? Is he good with children? Is he involved in a ministry?
Yes, I've done the watching thing. I am often impressed by what I see in some of the young men, and I start wishing that someone would take notice of me... and maybe ask me out...???
Nope. Not yet. So I wait some more, hoping all the time, that someone would come and just show a little bit of interest in me.
This has pretty much been my story for the last couple of years. Waiting, hoping, waiting, hoping, waiting...
Seeing friends find someone special... and waiting... waiting...
Then God stepped in. I guess I always assumed that my gifts of nurturing and interacting with children, etc. was just a shoo-in for being a wife and mother, and that God would pick me early seeing as I had all the right skills on the resume.
A few months ago I had a major revelation. Ready for this???
I was called to wait on God, not wait for a husband.
I know, it seems obvious and I knew it in my head but revelation is something that strikes the heart. This fell into my heart so strongly, so gently, that I knew it was from God and I started pursuing Him more than I ever have before.
But I still dreamed. The watching game reduced in intensity, and I grew very content with my stage of life. Still keen to meet Mr. Perfect (whoever that is!) and live happily ever after, but at peace.
Then God called me into ministry. I said yes, and my dreams shifted to doing field placements... for about five minutes, and then people started asking me where my studies in ministry would take me. I answer honestly. "I don't know, I just know it's the next step for me."
Well, that opens a whole new smorgasbord of daydream opportunities. In every position I tried to imagine out, though, I could only see myself supported by and supporting a husband. And the old familiar longing began to rise again.
Than God made it very clear. He said, It's time to stop waiting.
It's time to stop waiting.
I don't believe this is God telling me to go and initiate a relationship or anything like that - if He does, I'll do it - but rather a reminder that the more time I spend dreaming and longing for something outside of His timing, the less effective I am for Kingdom purposes. How can I study ministry properly when I am worried about who will minister along side of me?
I still think marriage in my my story somewhere - but not yet. Can I bargain with God, who gave me my life and talents, as to how and when I will use them? Perhaps there is a season where I am more effective for the Kingdom when it is just me and Jesus. Maybe I am wrong, and God plans for it to be me and Jesus for the rest of my life. That's fine too. Finding peace in doing the will of God and walking in His ways is far worth the sacrifices faced along the way. <3